A rchive Date
[ 26-06-2003 ]
Category
[ International Relations ]
sub-Categoy
[ Canada ]
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[http://www.canoe.ca/Columnists/dunford_jun26.html
No need for BBQ with secret sushi
By GARY DUNFORD - Toronto Sun
June 26, 2003
STINKPOTS: Like you, I'm surprised to learn the hot, acrid haze hanging over Toronto is the result of over-toasted backyard marshmallows and steaks.
I'd assumed it was smoke from MP Dennis Mills, self-combusting in sheer Stones stunt happiness. Cameras and Jaggers and votes, oh my. Huzzahs for the Millsman's SOS concert: Cough it up and Save Our Scalpers.
But T.O's hateful brown smog is the fault of backyard chefs? Who knew? So awful is pollution caused by grilled burgers, shish kebabs and weenies, Ernie Eves is stirred to heroic action. Pay attention, sloths.
"I happened to order in Swiss Chalet last night instead of barbecuing," Eves told reporters summoned to hear just that. Honest. I am not making this up.
The premier apparently believes Swissy's chickens cook themselves by rubbing furiously against each other, producing a zero-energy friction burn. He knows fast food franchises never vent to the outside. That, or somebody at Swiss Chalet is putting hallucinogens in Ernie's dipping sauce again.
Jim Wilson, Ontario's minister of home barbecues and grills, tells bemused journalists he believes citizens must "cut down on their use of barbecues that produce smog." By contrast, he believes Ontario's belching, coal-burning hydro plants are only "a tiny part" of every heat wave's fetid haze. Damn you, Weber. Go, Nanticoke, go.
John Baird, our beloved minister of pamphlets, reassures doubters still hazy about who's to blame for Ontario's traditional Summer Energy Stink. A fine how-to-conserve pamphlet will soon be dumped at every home. It's you, citizen. It's not us. Pay no attention to the men behind the curtain.
So knock off those campfire weenies, kids. Who dropped their s'more in the fire? No more bannock for you, Billy. Grill not, toast not.
Don't burn Baird's energy screed when it comes, tho' it's tempting. It would be like burning tax dollars. Conserve.
Instead, ponder the silly sadsacks who actually believe they might somehow be elected again. Enjoy that slow burn. Better than any cigar.
Perhaps - rather than the pamphlet - Ernie's summer cold-cuts squad might consider giving Baird's latest printing bill costs as a special emergency grant to Sears. The downtown retailer needs immediate help.
You know those huge Sears signs that hang off what geezers still call the Eaton Centre? Coming up Yonge St. from the south, you'll notice the E in the biggest SEARS signage is burned out. It says S ARS.
We welcome the world! Walk up the main drag, look up, and suddenly twig again why you didn't really want to come here.
This is not good. This is bush.
"How happy will the tourism sector be to see a 50-foot S ARS sign attached to the highest-profile mall on the world's longest street?" asks a tipster. "When Mick and the boys fly in to save the city, can they bring a ladder? How many Rolling Stones does it take to change a light bulb, Dunfie?"
At least four, if I know Dennis Mills. Stones, ladder, mayor, crane, Allan Rock, photo op. Video at 11. Who's the guy Mills is running against again? Larson? Lawton? Hard to remember, isn't it?
I know S ARS - I mean, SEARS --wants to save our flimsy energy grid. Burned-out bulbs, barbecue bans, raw marshmallows, every bit helps. God bless all public-spirited retailers.
"We won't replace the bulbs on Yonge St.," I hear the consultant explain in Sears' boardroom. "First letter that burns out saves Ontario's power feed 20%. Second letter, 40%. When the signs go completely dark, we've reduced our energy needs by 100%."
Hip, hip hooray.
It was just unfortunate the E in SEARS had to go first. Bad luck. We've had quite a run of it lately. So two choices, Premier Ernie ...
1. Give Sears the $100,000 Baird was gonna spend on his you're-to-blame pamphlets so the retailer can buy some bulbs. Or ...
2. Brown-out downtown Toronto the week the Stones play. All signs go dark. Tourists don't get spooked. Plus free Swiss Chalet chicken for all visitors, since it takes zero energy to make it. Does Swissy's sickly sweet sauce drip from trees into buckets? Zero pollution too?
Bonus No-cook Recipe: No barbecue at Dunf's house this week! We've discovered Dead Squirrel Sushi. Cube Ontario road kill into raw chunks that hide what it was. Refrigerate. Prepare dipping bowl of soy sauce and extra wasabi.
By removing road kill from highways, you do the very job Ontario downloaded on municipalities that can no longer afford to collect squished porkies, raccoons and groundhogs. Do your part. This is YOUR province.
Serve with watermelon. Enjoy. Hot enuff for ya?
© 2003 Gary Dunford
Reach Dunf at (416) 947-2246 or by e-mail at pagesix@aol.com. Or visit his home page. Letters to the editor should be sent to editor@sunpub.com
 World Fact Book (CIA)]
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