WordType Designs™
Driven To Distractions©
The Sound of One Hand Clapping©

A rchive Date
[ 24-09-2000 ]
Category
[ International Relations ]
sub-Categoy
[ Canada ]
      [The world is watching
      By GARY DUNFORD - Toronto Sun
      September 24, 2000

      PERSONAL BEST: Okay, so we don't win many Olympic medals, but we've got world-class excuses. We're good enough, we're smart enough and - by golly - people like us. Plus we can bounce. Bonk. Bonk. Bonk.

      Schoolyard bully: "Grab his leg. Let's see how high Dunf bounces!" Oww, my hamstring! Pass the Kleenex.

      Can you imagine this week is Toronto 2008? We spend $6 billion remaking the lakeshore, burying expressways, enduring years of commuter chaos, turning the town upside down for ... this handful of medals? Billion dollar medals? The little country that can't find $60 million for its athletes has no problem finding a multi-billion-dollar kitty for its contractors. Local politicians are in heat to participate. All levels of government drool.

      Toronto 2008 is booty call for any costly dream scheme that otherwise hasn't one hoot in hell of happening. Just write at the top of all invoices: "For the Olympics." Approved! No problemo. But after the slush fund that builds the dream, imagine the nightmare: Juan Antonio's IOC banditos actually give the damn Olympics to us. And every nation of the world gathers ... to laugh at us in our own yard. Oww, my hamstring.

      Here, friends, is the paradox of Toronto 2008: The whole world is watching. And we do pratfalls. This is masochism, not machismo.

      One clue can turn this Olympic embarrassment around. Bonk. Bonk. Bonk. Hear that? The trampoline. We bounce better than anybody. Who knew? It was as pleasant a surprise as grabbing gold with a snowboard. We slide well too. Forget kayaks and boxing. We go for ... the Nex games.

      Man has been running, rowing, swimming for centuries. It's hardly surprising man has gotten pretty good at it. In warmer climes, jocks practice all year around. Some nations actually fund programs to encourage those who excel in sports. Who knowingly plays pool against the shark? Why knock heads in familiar sports where hurdles are set so high?

      What we need are new sports, strange and foreign to our competitors, unique events where Canadians can gain the obvious and necessary hand. If we still chase Toronto 2008, I demand ...

      - Raking ... Rich countries - softened by years of leaf-blowers - will be at a serious disadvantage. Third world countries with no experience raking fallen leaves into piles for no apparent reason will be baffled. Canada power-rakes straight up the middle to grab the gold.

      - The 50-metre Jump-start ... Two cars are set 50 meters apart. When the gun sounds, competitors use a jumper cable to boost the dead battery of the car in their lane. Alas, the cable is only 10-metres long. All running cars are locked, and contain a screaming three- year-old. At frequent intervals, it rains. And a woman screams: "DO something!"

       - The Garage to Lake Triathlon ... Competitors start at a Markham bungalow on a weekday afternoon. By public bus, subway, trolley and ferry, they race to the nude beach at Hanlan's Point and disrobe. A Polaroid is taken of each athlete, which they return, by ferry, trolley, subway and bus back to Markham. By then, Night Routes and Night Schedules will be in effect. Only Canadians have the patience and stamina to reach the bungalow.

       - Hunt Camp Biathlon ... Competitors are locked in small cabins with outrageous amounts of beer, but no clocks or watches. When a team believes one week has passed, members emerge from the cabin and shoot something within 20 minutes to take home as proof they were hunting.

      - The CBC Cups and Ball Challenge ... Competitors are given $1 billion and a national TV network. Each 15 minutes, judges remove $100 million and purge 500 executives. Last network to remain on the air wins. Only one nation knows which cup to hide the ball, petty cash and execs under.

      Oww, my hamstring is killing me. But I got game! Finished the column, didn't I? You too? Congratulations! Brian Williams will want to interview both of us. Most don't even get this far. High five, sport. Limp a little.

      © 2000 Gary Dunford Reach Dunf at (416) 947-2246 or by e-mail at       pagesix@aol.com


      World Fact Book (CIA)]


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