A rchive Date
[ 27-06-2000 ]
Category
[ International Relations ]
sub-Categoy
[ Mass Media ]
|
[Put it under The Ex-Files
It's a jealousy and ego thing
By VALERIE GIBSON
Toronto Sun
April 11, 1999
A while ago, a friend was complaining bitterly about the slanging match going on between his current girlfriend and his ex-wife.
Not directly to each other, but using him as the soundboard in between.
He didn't say so, but I could tell he felt torn emotionally.
He obviously wanted to support his current girlfriend but he also didn't want to be cruel to his ex-wife, whom he sees on a regular basis because of their two children.
All I could say to him was that he had to accept that girlfriends and ex-wives usually hate each other.
It's as inevitable as night follows day.
Girlfriends think ex-wives are unnattractive, selfish, lazy leeches who are manipulative, demanding and sexless.
They believe they have rescued this poor, sweet man from the clutches of something between a dead fish and a bloodsucking parasite.
Ex-wives think new girlfriends are pushy, manipulative golddiggers who are selfish, greedy, demanding and who have used sex as a weapon to get a man, especially her man.
They believe he has been snatched away by a scheming harridan whose horrible faults will soon become apparent once the honeymoon phase is over.
It's a jealousy and ego thing.
Both resent the other's hold, however tentative, over the man they love or loved and see each other as the intruder into their private world. No matter what, the other is an irritant and a threat.
Neither of them can possibly see that if they truly love this man, then his happiness is what should count.
Bitter games
It also happens the other way around.
The new boyfriend almost always dislikes or resents the ex-husband and thinks that he's a wimp, impotent, a drunk, brain-dead, a neanderthal and a paranoid sociopath with no class - all info from the ex, of course.
The ex-husband think, rightly or wrongly, the new boyfriend is a manipulative jerk, probably an abusive ex-con who is using his ex-wife for easy sex and who will dump her when he's tired of her and who is definitely after her (and his) money. It's a jealousy and ego thing.
Deep down, it's all about the fact that the ex has, after all, trod rather repeatedly on the new guy's territory before him. No matter what, he's an irritant and a threat.
Neither of them can possibly see that if they truly love this woman, then her happiness is what should count.
It becomes even more complex when there are children involved in a relationship breakup. And this is when the relationship between everyone becomes acute.
The mother realizes she is going to have to share her children with a stranger and one she's dislikes and distrusts.
Let's face it, the wicked stepmother image may have been perpetrated by Grimm's Fairy Tales or Disney, but it's an image kept alive - mostly by ex-wives.
The father realizes there will be a surrogate dad involved with his kids and one he thinks will be a deterimental influence who will diminish his input.
It's a familiar scenario these days of frequent marital and family splitsville.
And sadly too, it's often a situation that can make everyone's lives a misery, especially when the kids are used as pawns in the bitter games between the couple.
Blinded by their anger and resentment, people can lose sight of the confusion and unhappiness they're putting their kids through, focusing only on scoring points off their ex.
Yet some couples do work it out and seem to form a reasonably amicable extended family. How do they do it?
They've moved on
As I've not had the experience of dealing with a mate's children as I never date or marry any men with kids (it's one of my odd personal rules), I can only observe couples I know in this situation.
It seems to me that those who manage to stay friends with their exes, despite their differences, are those who have moved on with their lives and who don't look back in anger.
They seem to have decided that, far from wishing their past partner ill, they can forgive, if not forget, and are looking forward positively to a new life ahead.
They tend to recall the good times they had with their ex, rather than the bad, and focus on the positive aspects of the relationship rather than the negative.
And if things go wrong for their ex, they feel sorry and don't gloat (at least, not in public or in front of the kids).
But above all, it seems couples that make a split work well share one important bond.
They decide to put aside their personal differences and give their children the best life they can in the circumstances.
And somehow, when a couple is focusing on the children instead of themselves, all the relationships improve.
Sounds easier than it is, I'm sure, but worth thinking about.
Valerie Gibson can be reached by e-mail at vgibson@sunpub.com. ]
|