A rchive Date
[ 19-08-2000 ]
Category
[ International Relations ]
sub-Categoy
[ Mass Media ]
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[Survivor sucks - and, yes, I watch it, too
By SCOTT HASKINS - Edmonton Sun
August 19, 2000
I hate to sound like Cubb Carson. Then again, I suppose it beats looking like him. With apologies to Cubb - and especially his mom - is it just me or is Survivor the biggest waste of television time since Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?
Yes, apparently it is just me.
We may be talking jungle warfare now that the final four combatants have been selected - or not selected, as the case may be - but let's not beat around a palm tree. Gag me with a manta ray.
What the hell's wrong with you people? Have you no life of your own? It's summertime in Edmonton, that all-too-brief week and a half when you don't have to cover your tomato plants. And yet your life revolves around a TV show.
Shame on you.
Personally, since I live in Mill Woods, I've been spending every second of my free time boarding up windows and digging a foxhole.
OK, I'm going to come right out and say it. Damn the repercussions, like dozens of lost readers. To quote Dudley Moore, sort of, "That would leave me with only one."
Survivor stinks. Twelve episodes ago, when 16 Americans crawled up on shore for a 39-day stay on a tropical island, do you think any of them brought deodorant?
Of course not. And I bet they could really use some by now. Especially Sue.
She's the truck driver. Then there's Kelly. She's the one who looks like she's been run over by Sue. Here's hoping the photographer forgets to remove his lens cap when the girls of Survivor pose for Playboy magazine.
As for Jenna and Colleen ... you go, girls.
It's only right that the fight to the finish for $1 million should come down to two men and two women.
That's a no-brainer. Which brings me to Sean.
This doofus made me want to change my kid's name. Hat on backwards, nipple ring, cocky attitude. Nobody was sad to see him go this week, right after he said, "I'm winning this thing."
Except maybe Richard.
So there's Kelly and Sue. At least the last TV show featuring castaways offered some tasty eye candy. Not exactly Ginger and Marianne, are they? More like Gilligan and Mrs. Howell.
Theirs would have been the first names I wrote down if I was on that island. With any luck at all, it would have come down to Jenna, Colleen, Stacey and me.
When the girls start pickin' each other's zits, sorry ... you've lost me.
And there's Richard and Rudy. Gotta like Rudy. He's an ex-navy SEAL, a real man's man.
Then again, I suppose you could say the same thing about Richard. Just not the navy SEAL part.
The other night, when Richard turned to Rudy and said, "You like the homo," I thought they were going to come to blows. Earlier, I was sure Sue and Kelly were going to go at it. Imagine! Two cat fights for the price of one.
Yuck! And I'm not talking about the barbecued rats, either. Or, worse than that, the rolls of flab that shake and shimmy when Richard runs.
I ask you, in all seriousness, what is there to like about these people?
I know what you're thinking. I seem to know an awful lot about Survivor for someone who doesn't watch it.
Calm down. I never said I didn't watch it. But unlike many of you, I don't plan my life around it. I saw parts of two earlier shows, but I had no choice but to endure the entire episode this week.
I was giving some serious consideration to Murder, She Wrote, just to see the look on Ryan's face. But, somehow, he managed to lock ITV on the screen and I couldn't figure out how to unlock it.
Obviously, I'm going to have to get that figured out before the Olympics.
There was another reason I watched. Entire forests have been wiped out by people writing about this phenomenon and, frankly, I was starting to feel a little left out. I had to see for myself what all the fuss is about.
I watched from start to finish and I still don't get it. To quote Sue, "I don't give a .... ."
Thankfully, mercifully, it ends next week with the not-to-be-missed, two-hour finale. I can only tell you this: Rudy's the man.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a foxhole to dig.
Scott Haskins can be reached by phone (403) 468-0278, by fax (403) 468-0139 or by e-mail at edmonton.sun@ccinet.ab.ca
 World Fact Book (CIA)]]
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